Psychological Murder - Inflicted Suicide
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The Effects of Long-Term Abuse
EDIT: On 1st July 2011 it was announced on national television that a woman had been cleared of murder after killing her 11-year old child. The decision was based on the fact that she was distraught, distressed and at the end of her tether after suffering long-term domestic abuse at the hands of several of her husbands. She had decided that she had no place left in this world and that she was going to commit suicide.
It goes unrecognized but it exists. It exists on an extremely covert level. It happens behind the scenes without anyone even being aware of what the problem is, the real problem. No evidence of it is left behind and no-one has ever been convicted of it. Yet in reality, what I will label 'inflicted psychological murder' is a very real fact and one that remains dangerous and unrecognized, almost undiscovered.
Psychological murder takes many forms but the type I'm referring to is of a covertly narcissistic nature, it's difficult to believe but it does happen and I've seen it happen. Narcissistic abuse happens typically when a 'narcissist' attempts to convince someone who has discovered their unbelievably shallow secrets that they are crazy and proceeds to manipulate them. They generally do this by ostracizing and gaslighting the victim while continuing to act out and hide thier outrageous behaviour and they have everyone else around them fooled. The longer time goes on and the longer the victim tries to do something about it, the more severe the abuse becomes. The narcissist has already built an army of unwitting abusers who all help to drive the victim crazy. The long-term consequences of these actions are devastating.
Victims of these types of abusers are commonly left with no resources, the abuser has stolen their finances, their identity and turned the victim's own family and friends against them thanks to the narcisist's web of lies and deceit. The victim is trapped with no way out or at least that is what they are made to believe and feel. Although victims go through what can only be described as sheer hell narcissistic abuse via heightened communication is so difficult to pick up on the human radar of perception that the victim is usually left scratching their head wondering how they were left in this situation, they have been made to believe that they are the problem. These sort of abusers are so shallow that they will cheat on their partner on valentine's day or while they are at a funeral - times when the victim will least expect it. Not only that, they will do it with the person the victim suspects the least.... time and time again.
In many cases the victim turns to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape. The stress put upon their mind can be so severe that if they don't turn to something in order to relax they continue to build up with overwhelming tension, anxiety, emotional suffering and an overactive mind which literally drives them crazy - post traumatic stress disorder can soon follow. The abuse never gives up and the victim's self-esteem gets worn down until they go through a process of devaluation, dehumanization and dissociation. The victim has been made to feel that they are nothing in this world, they now have nothing, they now have no meaning and nowhere to go, nobody wants them any more except for the narcissistic abuser who can now use the victim as their slave.
This process is so subliminal and happens so gradually it could take place over a course of ten or even twenty years. The victim knows that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would probably continue to ruin the rest of their life or future relationships anyway and in many cases after the partner has left, the abuser continues to drive them crazy and destroy their life. Eventually the victim is left feeling suicidal but commonly they are not selfish enough to go ahead with the task, they don't want others to be left picking up the pieces because they feel empathy. Instead they decide to continue to pump as much alcohol or drugs into their system as they can. This way they can use it not only to escape and relax but also to slowly kill their self off to the point where they have to suffer the abuse no longer. The victim takes the knowledge of their inflicted psychological murder to the grave which forever remains a secret inside the mind of the abuser.
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This is an important subject, and I think you did an extremely effective job of describing such a situation. My one piece of (reluctant, but intended-to-be-constructive) criticism is that I can't help but wonder if a title that described exactly what the subject is about a little more clearly might help your piece find its way to a more widespread audience more quickly (and I wish it would).
As someone who has had first-hand experience with a situation that isn't as extreme as what you've described; and which might better be described as "what's describe in the Hub, only watered down a little and spread out over a long period of time (about 20 years), I continue to fight to keep alive a soul that (in spite of having wonderful family and friends, and in spite of continuing to appear to "have a life") that essentially lives in a kind of isolation nobody would ever guess (and that continues to find it harder and harder not to let the effects of what has gone on (with no signs of anyone else recognizing that it has gone on) "reach its core" more than they already have.
Again, stressing that what I've had go on was not the classic kind of thing that you've described (with one individual operating that way, or even with any one individual operating that way intentionally), what you've described in your Hub (minus the alcohol or drug use; and minus even entertaining any thoughts of suicide, mainly because I have enough fight and self-esteem not to be willing to let anyone/anything drive me to that point) sure rings a lot of bells for me.
Your Hub is one I would like to see all kinds of people read - not just victims of this kind of thing, but the people around them. You're right: People are more than likely to go to their graves keeping the secret of what they've done (if they even realize they've done it), for any number of reasons.
Unless and until a person or two sees, acknowledges, and clearly has a rough idea about what a victim of this kind of thing lives with (and I'm far from being "the victim type", by the way), the victim doesn't stand much of a change of re-building himself/herself "back to the real him/her".
Thanks for the comments. Lisa HW, I completely understand what you are saying. I was a bit dubious about using the title 'Psychological Murder' because generally this would be considered to be murder of the soul so I've now added the subheading 'Inflicted Suicide' which I think labels the article a bit more appropriately.
I have been on the receiving end of one of these abusers. I was lucky enough to find my way out of the relationship three and a half years later. However, the Post Traumatic Stress lingers indefinitely...Thank you for such a well written hub on a subject many do not give a thought to.
Love & Light,
Windy Grace
Thanks for the comment, I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of this kind of abuse (I have too).
Thank you ;) I did, however, learn a great deal from the experience. It sounds as though you did, too. Although the lessons were unpleasant, they were well learned and must be avoided in the future.
Love & Light,
Windy Grace
I have just made an edit at the start of this hub to include information which has come to light that I feel is relevant to the content.
Great article. This type of abuse takes place more often than we think. Especially with children. A psychological death, to me, is worse than a physical death. Thanks again for your insightful articles.
Interesting concept, However as a recovered alcoholic, one might use that excuse to perpetuate the alcohol and drug abuse and use the victim mentality to justify their behavior.
People write about what they know and that seemed like an excuse for being a victim, on the other hand being aware that their is a problem is the first step in recovery.
I have put myself in similar situations and blame nobody but myself, I found that often a geographical separation can give one the sense of starting over and I'm not talking about living in a cave, unless it's an entrance to Hollow Earth!
Great comment.
How does one recover from this or escape from this?
Sarah, obviously the point of suicide is the point of no return. If you have this problem then you need to do whatever it takes to get away from it. That can be difficult and sometimes virtually impossible. I intend to write some articles of advice for people in these types of situations very soon.
I had a friend who was a narcissist. I read his behaviour and realised he was turning me into his slave. I had to drop this guy making me lose heaps of friends in the process. This experience caused me to develop cptsd which is mow cured. The problem is that I have forgotten who I am and now am paranoid and find it hard to trust people. People with this disorder need to be seperated from society!!!
Thanks for the comment Scuba, indeed complex-PTSD strikes after suffering this kind of trauma for long enough and that's something I've also had to deal with myself.
This kind of abuse is all to real. I almost lost my life when a child to escape the abusive attacks. I'm near 50yrs old now and am still being abused,isolated,and defamed by proxy. The difference is now the N abuser shakes in his shoes when in my presence because he knows I am not the little kid of long ago and I have his number so to speak.
OMG exactly what I was feeling since past 1 month, after 11 months after i discovered NPD was the problem in the husband. Now, I am TRAPPED in this horrid marriage. yes, suicidal thoughts are coming...I am old...53 yrs old...have nowhere to go...no money, no friends, no family.
i feel trapped.
i just copied your article to my blog. here http://galbtdt.blogspot.com/
thank you for openly describing this thing about how us victims get drawn to end our life due to the utter hopelessness in life
Thanks for your comment and support Gail. Good luck with everything in your future, I hope it all goes well for you.
Thank you so much for this article. It is absolultely spot on and I hope and pray you were not a victim, although I suspect you were.
I am the victim of this (up to the point of feeling worthless and beginning to be alcoholic). My mother is a covert narcissist and possibly a socialpath as well. I suffered a shockingly awful childhood of abuse. She manipulated my father and brother into abusing me mentally also. I was shut off from everyone (homeschooled though my brother attended the local school) and had no friends. We lived on a farm, so nobody was nearby. When I was old enough to get a job, my parents took the majority of my money for board and I was also made to be the housekeeper. What I had left, I had to buy absolutely everything of my own. My mother continually told us we were all insane and should be shot. She continually told us she was the only sane person on the planet. I married very badly, very young, just to escape, but it didn't work. I married a self-loathing, violent fool who fell instantly into my mother's clutches and perpetuated the abuse against me. When he raped me and I left, my mother took his side and has always said I made up the whole thing. In my experience, there is a whole level of delight the narcissist gains from the cruelty they inflict which is not covered in any article.
Sadly, many people will never realise what has happened to them. I was on of the lucky ones, though I was over 40 when I discovered it wasn't me that was the problem. She tried very hard to break up my marriage for over a decade.
I was vicitmised by my mother, father & brother. Sadly now, my father is her supply and has become like her. The only way I could protect myself was to distance myself from them, physically and mentally. We now only communicate by email where her evil messages cannot be successfully delivered.
GAL - I read your post with horror. You MUST get out. Nothing is worse than staying. I can promise you that things will not get better. You must leave. Go to a shelter in preference to staying. Nothing "out there" is worse than staying. Absolutely nothing. Please, please leave. Your husband is mentally deranged and beyond help.
That is what people don't understand. Narcissists are very sick, mentally deranged and extremely dangerous people masquerading amongst us as normal people, but they're not. They are the ones that need to be ostracised and alienated, not us!
I was married to a narcissist as well. I am still trying to break from his grasp two years later. It is hard. He did push me to a suicide attempt, and got the children. I am still fighting for them though sometimes I wonder why since they are turning out like him since they are with him and his narcissist english wife (whom he met while he was married to me). I miss my kids something horrible, but they are abusing me just like their father, especially the oldest one. I want to get them help but he won't hear of it.
I feel sorry for the person who posted that alcohol and drug abuse as an excuse - or possible one, due to this no-less than legal killing. People who've been so abused that they are on the brink of death need help, not criticism. Your articles have been absolutely brilliant! Thanks for exposing great truths!
I have been living this entrapment for years. I have fought to get away not even knowing what I was trying to get away from. Believing something was defective in me while being a productive successful citizen of society.
My life just kept flipping back into the clutches of this mess.
When a child grows up with this and your parents appear to be functional, you trust them to a degree and believe in their views until you start realizing something isn't right and it may not be you.
The more I realized this, the more questions I asked innocently and the more facts I found accidently which left me the keeper of the secrets. This is a dangerous position to be in with these types of narcistic people. They will destroy everything you are to protect their lies. You mean nothing to them.
I have apologized to my mother for being alive, being me, having anger more than I have apologized for any and all slights in my life combined. I've asked if I was an abortion gone wrong. I have lived my life trying to identify what was wrong with me or my life and it has just grown with relationships I have chosen as somehow you become prey to these types as they sense the grooming your family of origin has already done.
I am physically unwell and was a successful business owner after all of this and single mother of a beautiful happy daughter. We have had our lives destroyed in the past 3 years by family court due to a father who is using this child as a pawn as I wouldn't succumb to his control but by God those courts handed him our lives on a silver platter and allowed abuse to be reigned down on me and my daughter enforcing all the emotional abuse I had worked so hard to fight. It's a sick cycle and I now fear the next generation was not to be spared although I will die knowing I gave it the best fight I could.
My heart and soul is torn apart. To imagine bringing a child into this pain and the chain not to be broken is just unbearable. My mother the puppet master of this abuse while I always thought it was my father who did much of his own has her clenches in deep. I hold her secrets.
I have sought help my whole adult life beieving I was mentailly ill. The general diagnosis I am hearing is PTSD which I have earned. I wear that badge proudly as the trauma I have experienced far exceeds what most would believe. But no bi-polar or worse of which they lead you to beieve.
I cannot tell you the fight I put up while trying to understand. I am strong but tired.
Knoweledge is power or just more confusing. For sure it is validating.
I am sorry for anyone who has been the chosen family scapegoat. It's an awful position.
I am hoping my daughter has tools I did not as I have loved her completely. This is something I lived without so maybe all my education regarding this and the foundation I laid for her will give her the strength and tools to make better choices than I.
The problem I am having is I used to suffer from severe depression and most of my freinds from my previous life had no trouble taking the side of the narcissist. It is so unbeleivable that the narcissist was so good at manipulating. He actually shoved me to the ground in front of a girlfreind of mine, and she told him he was a jerk. But when we finally split apart she denied it happened and took his version that I fell. I have no more girlfreinds because of him. But, even though it really hurts and I wonder if I am crazy, you know I realized they weren't really my freinds to begin with and have decided to find true freinds. I still suffer from PTSD just reading this article made me feel like I was crumbling inside. Even when I read these articles, I still blame myself and think I am the pshycho and everyone else thinks so. I had to delete my account from Facebook as he was becoming freinds with people I was freinds with. He threatened me that he would trash me all over facebook and when I would read comments I would read way into it, because it seemed as though the comments were related to discussions me and my abuser had in the past. I was becoming paranoid and distrustful of others. I am in counseling and slowly learning to trust others one person at a time. I get mad at myself when I hear how good my abuser is doing and just wish he would fall flat on his face. I used to not be that way I used to wish the best for others no matter what bad they did.
ymb,
Thanks for your comments. You are most certainly not alone. Your words echo the experience of many victims including myself, I used to feel to exact same way. I have also had similar problems with Facebook and friends, etc. Many of us know all too well how extremely difficult it can be to deal with these situations.
The most important thing for you to do at the moment is to forget about everyone else, forget about the anger, forget about the lies, deceit, abuse and/or whatever else you have experienced, forget about what other people think or believe and concentrate on you, your own life and getting yourself back on your feet.
If there's one thing I firmly believe it's that the truth ALWAYS comes out in the end. It could be 10, 20 or even 30 or more years before it happens - but it does happen.
All the best,
Sparkster
A really good thing is I found myself actually praying for the narcissist and it came from God because there is noway it came from me. I beleive it came from the Holy Spirit because it was prayers for his good. Also, realizing from deep within that my freinds are also victims and they just don't know it. They don't know they are being used and manipulated by him. I came to a point today that I was miserable holding on to all of this anger and bitterness and am becoming like him in that realm and I so don't want to be like him. To me victory will be forgiveness (forgiveness without a relationship with him ever again) all it took was a call from a freind of his. A call I did not answer, but it was enough to put me into a tailspin. I am changing my phone number. Thanks
aZhunter 11 months ago
Very interesting and insightful A+